Baby Mania

Babies! Everywhere are babies! I knew coming to China would be a huge cultural experiment for me; however, I didn’t quite expect to leapfrog life milestones in my personal social ladder.

I hear rumors of people my age actually married and starting families, but the vast majority of my friends are spouse or significant other free. Most of my closest friends are still on the “Look, I just bought matching dishes” level of their game of life. A few are experimenting with cohabitation, but that degree is as far as it goes; no little pink or blue pegs are in the back of their little plastic car (refer to Life board game if confused).

I venture to China and suddenly babies are among us. One of my coworkers has a one and a half year old, another has a one year old, and a pair of married teachers just had their first child two weeks ago. With the surge of diapers, squeaky toys, and incidences of Peek-a-Boo also comes previously unknown baby decorum.

Baby Wisdom #1: Baby’s First Birthday is a right of passage for the parents even more than the oblivious baby. Guest should bring cameras and be prepared to capture every even potentially adorable moment even if all that is successfully snapped is images of baby with his finger up his nose and parents making odd horse lips while speaking to the baby.

Baby Wisdom #2: Beer is an acceptable addition to Baby’s First Birthday and is greatly beneficial for keeping the non-married guys from bolting in terror in a baby-overdose.

Baby Wisdom #3: Do not bring anything around the baby that you actually want to keep: soccer balls, shining objects, keys… What baby wants, baby keeps.

Baby Wisdom #4: Baby showers are like reliving my eighth birthday all over again. The party was equipped with matching plates and napkins, pastel colored decorations, and party games. I was left wondering where the Strawberry Short Cake of my youth was hiding.

Baby Wisdom #5: Paper plates are a constant source of entertainment and embarrassment like when a room full of thirty woman are asked to place the plate on their heads and blindly draw baby. (Wisdom learned here: avoid paper plates.)

Baby Wisdom #6: A newly discovered way to pick out a “keeper” is to throw a baby in the mix with a Wii and see which ones captivates his attention. When the new parents brought their baby girl to a BBQ last week, most of the guys were too absorbed in the Wii to notice if even a tornado ripped through the campus. The girls swarmed the baby for the first viewing…I should say all the girls and one guy. Of course, he and his fiancé are already considered the next parents-to-be up to plate.

Baby Wisdom #7: The only motivation you need to never EVER want to have children is watching Ricki Lake’s documentary The Business of Being Born. With all the talk about babies lately, four of us though it would be an interesting way to spend an evening. I watched the horror movie The Descent the night before and think that movie is less terrifying. When footage of a C-Section flashed on screen, three of us reacted more violently than during any slasher flick. We screamed and covered our eyes.

I was expecting culture shock and unknown nuances when deciding to sojourn to China, but what I didn’t expect was that part of that social imbalance would come in pint sizes with dimply cheeks and contagious giggles. Babies…